My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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