still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
