I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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