I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
