someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
