If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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