You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize