One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize