your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
