This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
