I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize