I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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