that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
