Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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