the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize