Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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