i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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