I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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