peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
