I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
