Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
