Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
