Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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