i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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