Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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