my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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