Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
