Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
