oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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