you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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