I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
