I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
