Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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