Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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