Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
