He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize