You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
