Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
