If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
