Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
