Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
