Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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