i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize