she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
