Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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