i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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