but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need water and some morals
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
