You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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