don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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