remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
