no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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