So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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