i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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