I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ugly people sure do ruin things
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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