You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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