Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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