I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
