I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
