nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
