my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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